Night Alter
Over the past few months my mind and body have begun to play a sort of tug of war.
At night when everyone else is asleep, something inside of my mind kicks into full gear and prompts my body awake.
Thus begins the tug of war.
My mind wants to be up and productive; my body wants to be tightly tucked away and unconscious to the world for at least another 5 hours.
Something about the night fuels team mind and pulls me towards thoughtfulness.
Many nights I wake up with thoughts already in my head, spilling into my consciousness.
Last night I woke up to the thought “I have another question for you.”
The questions are the worst.
These questions of the night are like a begging child, they can’t be ignored, and are too smart to let you just play dead.
They nag and pull until you face them and the answers they demand.
“The God of the whole earth saved you?”
“Yes”
I replied and quickly turned over to play dead.
“The God of the whole universe stepped in and saved YOU? He commands lighting, oceans obey his voice and angels tremble at his name, and he sent his powerful, precious son to save small, pathetic, inadequate you?This is the kind of pathetic religion Roman history is made up of.”
I tossed and I turned trying to answer the question, thinking through the question, evaluating the question.
“Is it even plausible that my maker would allow his own blood to be spilled onto his creation for his creation to cover the destructive violations we infringed against his very person, against his perfect, good nature?
I willingly, joyfully embraced my sin.
I invested in fear.
I submitted to anger.
I spoon fed pride.
I did not allow false saviors, I built them with my own hands.
I built myself into a false savior and presented myself to others leading to more destruction! “
His death made no sense to me.
His death standing alone makes no sense.
But then sweet truth started pouring into my mind.
If I look at his death standing alone, apart from his character, apart from what his perfect life
accomplished, apart from my present position, and my future hope it is an incomplete truth.
It is like looking at a puzzle in pieces and calling it ugly because you haven’t seen the picture when completed it shows.
So I know this question, this doubt, this attack from the father of lies will come again.
I have started rehearsing the truth, remembering the truth.
He is the LORD and beside him there is no savior.
He pursued my prostituting soul.
He came and lived completely right-righteous- because of that right living I now have a legal
standing of righteous.
Because of this legal standing I now can approach the throne of grace with confidence.
And I’m not just approaching the throne as any old person I am confidently approaching as an adopted first-born son.
My big brother Jesus is standing at the throne with me.
He is my advocate.
Not an advocate who begs for my forgiveness but who presents my case as one perfectly righteous.
He calls me beloved of God.
He called me by name.
My maker has made himself my husband, the Lord of the whole earth.
The Lamb who is in the midst of the throne will be my shepherd.
As my shepherd he will make sure the only things that trail behind me are goodness and mercy.
He will wake me up with mercy.
My mighty warrior King will sing over me while I sleep.
He puts weapons into my hand that have divine power to destroy strongholds.
He throws down the great dragon.
He has made a way to call me honored, and loved. He says I am precious in his sight.
One day this perfect Kippur lamb, this might warrior king, my daddy will come back and reign forever.
His glory and the enjoyment of it will be the drive of our souls.
His perfect plan initiated and committed my soul to him.
His perfect life is now accredited to me.
His death and resurrection now causes all kinds of life to spring up in me.
His presence causes my present position to be filled with confident hope of victory.
His future return fuels glory in my soul.
Does any of this make sense? I find no logic in it.
And it gives me chill bumps to recognize he has not only caused my depravity and His divinity to collide.
He has paid for the exchange with His own blood.
