Pulling out the black yoga pants from the bottom of a mound of clothes I wasn't sure needed to be folded or washed... and there might have been clothes going to goodwill in there. One more thing on the mental to do list.
I woke up ready to tackle a Saturday full of packing and cleaning and phone calls and a friends house warming party and food shopping.
Pulling back into spot P5, I took bags of groceries inside and decided to clean out the car that still has 4 payments left on it and a transmission that has started to stall and jerk. "Just make it to February" I told it and patted the dash. Dragging the third trash bag of "stuff" into the open living room scattered with half packed boxes and empty cereal bowls. I dumped the mix of papers and clothes and crumpled receipts and empty vitamin bottles and a jean jacket I was sure I had lost. Digging through and sorting the mound into smaller mounds.
I pulled out the yellow piece of paper with faint blue lines and black ink.
My heart started to pound.
"Don't be anxious"
I opened the next envelope, from back in June from the State about the late car tax.
"Where did these envelopes go? How was I just now seeing them?!"
I started to panic when I started to pile them. Unexpected expenses that did not fit into the tight budget I had just spent an hour meticulously outlining.
And I heard it "Mary, you always do this. If you would just pay attention. If you were just organized. You always mess something up don't you. You ARE a mess. You are a mess. You ARE a mess.
There was something very done inside of me. The gusto and energy I has started the day with was far, far gone.
"John, I just need John."
His number wasn't in my newly wiped IPhone, and neither was the address where to send my car payment or the electric company I needed to call and pay or the number for my drgoup girls I needed to call about Saturday's early morning trip to Pretty place.
I started to suck air harder and it was like trying to suck cold molasses through a straw. Black spots started to show up and my heart raced so hard I could hear it in my ears. I hated this, so much. The panic and anxiety that so easily stole my breath and I seemed to give into easier and easier lately.
What was it that I had read about anxiety attacks?
I yelled it in my head as loud as I could "STOP!"
Pacing up and down from the front door to the back sliding glass door. I yelled it over and over
"STOP"
"STOP"
"STOP"
And what was the next part? What was the next thing that article had said to do?
Positive self talk.
I started but all I could hear was the resounding "You are a mess, Mary"
"Jesus, could you please tell me something true?"
Nothing. Nothing at all.
What was something I knew? Something I had seen just a few hours ago.
I said it out loud
"Fear NOT little flock (why?) because it is your Papa's delight to give you the kingdom."
Breath out. Fear stop. Father's here.
If any group had a reason to be terrified it's the little, bitty lamb. So God looks at us like a baby lamb and then says to us "Fear not" He's not saying "There's nothing to fear!" He's not saying "Fear not, you're pretty tough!" No. Jesus is pretty honest "Life is scary, you're not going to make it. But don't be afraid you've got a really good dad." Fear is conquered by Father.
You're Father's a rich and generous king. Your Father's kingdom has nothing to fear; lack, thieves, decay, insufficiency. You re father has proven faithful to stinky, nasty birds and one-hit-wonder lilies.
The command to "Fear not" isn't about keeping up face, it's not a power play. The command, the invitation "fear not" is really the promise that God has provided for us. He has provided peace when circumstances prove turbulent. He has provided truth when mouths and thoughts speak half truths and "if" and "but". He provides hope- a confident expectation for those of us who have vision with out optimism.
Breath out. Fear stop. Father's here.
